Fostering Through Life

by Courtney Alex

            Editor’s note: The names in this article have been changed for privacy and legal issues.

            Physical abuse, drug withdrawal and abandonment are just a few of the issues John and Jane Doe of Harwich have seen.  The Does aren’t working in a jail or a rehab. They are foster parents for four children six and under, and the kids are the ones who have already experienced these terrible occurrences in their short lifetime. 

            Most people who are the Does age are retired, vacationing or spoiling grandchildren.  The Does are busy changing diapers, going to school meetings and picking up toys for children who could essentially be their grandchildren.  But the couple doesn’t look at it as a nuisance, they look at is as fate.

“It wasn’t an empty nest syndrome,” said Jane.  “It was divine intervention.  Somebody had a different plan for me.” 

Though the couple have two biological children now in their 30s, they knew they still wanted to raise children.  Years ago, the Does attended a Christian concert and were handed a packet about adoption.  There was a picture of an Albanian girl with red hair and green eyes.  She was born on May 2, the same day John’s recently deceased mother was born.  Within that same week, Jane was watching the news and Susan Warnick was doing a piece on foster care in Massachusetts.  Jane thought it was a little bit more than a coincidence; she knew it was her and husband’s calling.

The two immediately contacted the Department of Social Services (DSS) and the next day, a recruiter was at the house.  They took the MAPP (Massachusetts Approach to Partnership in Parenting) class.  DSS came in to do criminal background checks and home studies. 

“Class was an eye opener,” said Jane.  “When you go into it you’re a little naive.  Honestly when our kids were growing up, we maintained the June and Ward Cleaver kind of life.  Our kids were very fortunate.”

Before they got too involved, they decided to only do short-term care, better known as respite care.  Respite care is like babysitting for other foster parents if they need to go away for a small time period to a funeral, wedding or even vacation.  The first child they took in was for three weeks.

“When he left we were so devastated” said Jane.  “Afterwards we said, ‘Oh no we, can’t do this.  This is just too hard.’”

But one week later they received a call and another child.  They’ve had her for six years now, and have since adopted her.  But according to the couple, unification with biological parents is 99 percent of the goal.  It is almost rare for the reunification to last; however, they said a lot of those children go back into the foster care system.  It seems to be a common trend among families.  Most foster children’s biological parents were foster children, and their parents were, too.  John said that most parents say they want their children back but they just can’t cut it.

“They (the biological families) talk a lot like they want to be apart of it,” John said. “It’s hard for them to admit the fact that they can’t do this.  From our experience, once they’re supposed to start, you don’t hear from them.”

Children usually end up in foster care because of a complaint made by police, medical officials or neighbors or friends.  The major reasons are drugs, abuse, alcohol or just irresponsible parents. Within 72 hours of the complaint, the family appears in court and it is decided whether or not the children should be removed or not.  Jane said DSS “is overworked, and underpaid,” which means there are only so many children that can be saved.

“Children should be our priority and I’d like to see them go in and do way more removals then they do,” said Jane.

If the Does or other foster parents disagree with the reunification of children and bio parents, they typically do not have a say.  They can make a complaint, but they can’t go to court about it.  They know that usually the child will eventually end up back in the system, even after reunification.  Jane said it is appalling how many chances some of these parents get.

“If you love your child, you need to get it right the first time,” she said.

  The Doe’s saw one case where a young mother’s partner abused her infant and he ended up with shaken baby syndrome.  Now he has severe neurological damage. 

“The abuser is out living his life, and the child is going to pay for it the rest of his life,” said Jane. “We just have to let it go, knowing that we did the best we could for the child while they were in our home.”

It’s not always a smooth transition for children to enter a foster family, because they are constantly reminded of their past.  For example, the Does foster children can use their last name in school, but when it comes to medical documents, they have to use their official last name.  But the family is very open to their foster children talking about their past.  They are also open to issues like race and family structure.  They started a group called The Rainbow Connection for adoptive and foster families of all races and cultures to get together weekly and have play dates.

“We have older families like us, younger couples, single parents, two moms,” said Jane.  “The family structure is so different and diverse, but all loving.  When we moved down here it was the biggest struggle because we were concerned about the lack of diversity.  But now, we’re reaching out more and more and word is getting around.”

Though the couple can be physically and emotionally drained, they see the pay off when they get to share beautiful days with their newfound family.  It can be financially challenging, also.  John got laid off and is seeing how hard it is to try and make a living on the Cape.  Once John is re-employed, retirement isn’t in sight for them since they are raising young children. 

“The typical family on the cape have a tough enough time making ends meet,” said John.    

But the Does get by and would never change anything.  They’ve converted a should-be vacation house into a playhouse with books and toys and a playground outside.  They’ve taken all self-indulgence and thrown it out the door.  It not only takes patience and perseverance to be foster parents, but it takes a whole lot of love.

“You have no idea what the real world is like until you step out of the box,” said Jane. “If you’re not willing to do that then you can’t be a foster parent because it’s a whole different world out there.”

The Does urge people interested in foster care to contact DSS.  The Cape is in severe need of foster parents, and if they don’t find them here they have to send the children off Cape. 

There are many options of foster care including a choice of age groups and/or length of time, like the respite care.  As Jane said, you don’t have to make a lifelong commitment, but any little bit helps.  The Hyannis DSS service can be contacted at 508-760-0200 or www.mass.gov.

7/10/08